Angela Santillo
Creative Non-Fiction
Hello?
Hi Mom.
You’re calling late.
I got laid off today.
What? Why?
Because I have a strong vagina.
What did she say?
Dad, I have a strong vagina.
I need to get up early tomorrow. Bye Angela.1
What are you talking about?2
The company is growing and they can’t afford someone to do HR or accounting. Besides, I’m too qualified for my own job.3
What? You just got a raise last week.
After two years of working for them, I’m suddenly too qualified. You know why? Because I have a strong vagina.
Where are you?
On the subway.
You’re on the subway?
On the 7. I’m really drunk.
What?
Did you know that this man has ————————? —————————————————————– and all the employees ———.4
Do you want to call when you are off the subway?
And he offered me a —.5
What?
He offered me a ——————————————————————. He asked if I still had all my ———. —————– asked about my ——— and when I said, “——————,” he was like, “—————————————————-.” As if I ——————-, as if ——————————————– ———————. —- I live to ——, —– work, —- work —- more, and —- work ——— and then ———————————–This is my stop. Hold on Mom.6
Do you want to call me when you get home?
You know, it should be a given ———————————————————. —— pretty basic assumption. But ————————————. — ——————————————— his little —————————————————–.7
You know how he runs things.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————–. “———————————————————–. ——————————–. —————————- —-? Great. Let’s talk about ———————————————-.” If he needs —————–, he should hire someone to get on their knees and ———————————. That’s not part of my job description.
Where are you?
I’m walking home because I have a strong vagina.
Stop saying that.
He offered me a ——————- and said, “——————————————–.” I said, “—————————————————-.”8
Are you almost home?
He’s surrounded by such smart people and you know what I learned today?
What?
He ————————————————————-. He —————————————————————————————————-. I wished someone told me he9 ———————————————————— losing my mind. ——————————————————— doesn’t ———- total numbers on Excel sheets.
———————- total numbers on an Excel sheet?
———————-! —————— how to total cells you know ————?
What?
No wonder Bill Gates has so much money.10 I need to scream, give me a second.
Angela, don’t do that. Stop screaming. Angela, are you home yet?
Mom, I’m drunk.
I can tell.
I went to a tequila bar after work and said, “I want five shots.” The waiter said, “What kind of tequila?” and I said, “I got laid off today, you do the math.” So I got five cheap shots and I ate a couple chips.11
You should eat. Five shots was too much.
I wonder what my digestion will do. This is the most alcohol I’ve had all year.12
You should really eat.
I’m so drunk. You know, ———————————————————– ————————-. ——————- you can have all the —– —– in the world but it doesn’t mean you have class. —————–.
I know.
And I got a raise last week! —————————————————————————————————-.
———, maybe he ———.
——— it doesn’t take a rocket scientist — ————–. How do I explain this to future employers? They’re gonna ask, “Why did you leave your last job?” and I’ll say, “I became too qualified and the company was growing and didn’t need in-house accounting or HR.”13 —————–. I should really say, “———————- I did my job and asked questions like, ‘———————————————————————.’”
You’re angry–
I don’t care how many ———————————————————-. Presidents, Senators, Secretaries of States-it’s a bunch of ——— people doing ————————————————————————–.14
He was really good when you were sick, don’t forget that.15
He can’t even remember what I —!16 ——— ——————————————–, “————————?” ——————————————–. ——————————? —————————–, ——————————————————, “———————–? ———-, —————————————-.”
—————————-.
—————————————. ————————- there was no meaning —–. ——————————————————————————————————-. ——— ———————-. — ————— remember —- your employee almost died-
————.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–. Hold on, I have to open up the door.17
You just got home?
Hi Justyna, I’m home! Guess what? I got laid off today because I have a strong vagina.
Oh God.
And I’m drunk.
Angela, enough.18
I’m in my bedroom now.
Okay. Relax. You haven’t been laid off before, this isn’t as bad as it seems.
I answered —————– from the hospital. I was high on drugs answering emails about ——. ————————————————————————————————————————————. I didn’t have the core strength to sit in a chair and I was back in the office ———–. And in the first two months I made — mistakes ——————. Two. ———–, “————————-, ——————- ——?” ——————————-, ———– ———————. After everything I’ve done, ——————————— — paperwork, — last paycheck, ———— leave the building. Instead he ————————————————————————-.
Wait, no last paycheck?
Today wasn’t ———–.
Today wasn’t your ——–?
No.
What?
I’m HR, I have to — myself off.
What??
What am I going to do? In two weeks it will be one year since my surgery. I need health insurance and I have to ———————————————-.
You can just leave.
No one knows how ———————-. I need to get myself ——–. ———————————————————————————-, —– he forgot about. —————————-. —— my work, ——–. —————————————- –
—————————————–
I ——————–, I ———————————–, I —————————————-.
I understand you’re mad–19
———–. ————————————————————————. ————————————————–. —————————–.
——-?
———, ———-. I’m a ———— woman who ————- has a strong vagina.
You weren’t what they needed–
Why does shit keep happening to me?
It’s not all bad. Look at the lessons here.
I’m so sick and tired —————————————————————- ———–. —- so tired ————————————————– ———-. ——————-.20
You’ve changed since the surgery. You’re quicker, more direct.
Life is too short for this bullshit.
This is the company he wants to have. He pays the bills.
————————————————–. ———————-. ———————————————–. —————————————-.
Do you get severance?
He —- ————–.
——–? That’s it?
———————————. Two more weeks and then it’s the surgery anniversary. I’ll be unemployed, with hardly any money, and I need to get on COBRA. I can’t afford that.
You won’t get sick again.21
I ——– showed up like nothing happened ——————————————————–. ———————- say a single bad thing about me.
You were looking for a new job anyway.
If you own a company it’s your job to lay people off with decency.
I wouldn’t say —————–.
——————————————————— , you ————————. ———————————-. ———————————————————– ———–. —- motherfucker-
Angela, calm down.
After everything I’ve been through ——————————————————-. Oh my god.
Angela, calm down.
Anything can happen.
Footnotes
- Note: My vagina was not mentioned during my termination meeting. ↩︎
- Note: I wrote this essay while listening to Prince’s “Lets Go Crazy” on repeat. ↩︎
- Note: My termination letter was not printed on an official letterhead. Part of it reads:
It is with regret that I inform you that you are being laid off from your position as Director of Administration effective April 15, 2015. Lack of funds and lack of work for someone of your level of expertise necessitates this layoff. This layoff action is indefinite in duration and should be considered permanent.
This phrase was pulled from a layoff template found on multiple HR sites. ↩︎ - Note: Due to the company’s funding structure and engagement with government, executive, and celebrity contacts, I had to sign an NDA with my employment contract. I cannot share any information related to the company. Per my NDA:
Confidential Information includes, without limitation, with respect to Disclosing Party and any entities Disclosing Party controls, manages, represents (including its Clients), or owns, in whole or in part: (a) financial information (including fee structures, fees charged and payments received), business models, pricing and margin formulae, business line or customer profitability, promotion plans and promotional materials, sales and marketing plans, financing and capital plans, plans for existing business lines, future business and marketing plans, and customer, client and supplier lists; (b) all information related to company structure, company owners, founders or investors (including identity), management, employees, employee practices and policies, assets, income and expenses including, without limitation, business, corporate, and operations; (c) ideas, designs, know-how, techniques, methods, processes, information tools, software development, trade secrets, technology, potential products, potential business operations, technical information, inventions, product design information, specifications, research and development information and all other intellectual property information or data; and (d) all information, that, if released to unauthorized persons, could be detrimental to the business interests of Disclosing Party, its customers or Clients. ↩︎ - Note: Redacted, falls into category b of the above legal footnote. ↩︎
- Note: I can share the terms of my termination. If I filed for unemployment, I would have to share my termination letter. If asked by potential employers why I stopped working for this company, I would have to give the reasons disclosed in that letter and during related meetings. ↩︎
- Note: The NDA also protects the company’s Founders against any disclosure of their personal or business information. Per the NDA:
(i) Clients’ personal information (including, without limitation, personal and professional contact information, addresses, emails and telephone numbers) and information concerning such Clients’ personal activities and interests, habits, travel plans, family, friends, personal relationships, employees, representatives, investments, business activities and interests, financial and business information, legal affairs, and professional relationships, or otherwise; (ii) all photographs, films, videos or other recordings, including the negatives and any prints or copies thereof, of, or belonging to, any Client or any member of their family to the extent not generally available and known to the public; (iii) that this Agreement exists and that the Confidential Information has been made available to Recipient, or that Recipient has inspected any portion of the Confidential Information, (iv) that discussions or negotiations are taking place concerning a possible Transaction or Engagement, including the status thereof, that Recipient is being considered for the services being discussed, and the details related to the Engagement, including the Client’s identity and actual or possible participation, and (v) any of the terms, conditions or other facts with respect to any possible Engagement or Transaction. ↩︎ - Note: This was a quality retort. ↩︎
- Note: Redacted, falls into (i) of the last legal footnote. ↩︎
- Note: This was a funny bit. ↩︎
- Note: I was scheduled to have dinner with a former co-worker that night. I kept the commitment. Allegedly, a year later she learned that the Attorney General of New York was investigating our former company. ↩︎
- Note: Between April 2014-April 2015, I did not drink because I was recovering from a medical illness. ↩︎
- Note: The first time said this was six weeks later at a job interview. The company’s owner laughed and said, “You worked for some real pieces of work.” He hired me that week. ↩︎
- Note: I know a couple stories about powerful people. ↩︎
- Note: In April 2014, an ER doctor didn’t realize I had appendicitis and it ruptured the next day. When I returned to the hospital I was septic and my kidneys had stopped. I had major abdominal surgery and was admitted for sixteen days. ↩︎
- Note: I had acute appendicitis with peritonitis. I was the worst case my surgeon had ever seen. ↩︎
- Note: Before my appendix ruptured, I was pursuing a playwriting career. After I got sick, I found it harder to write. The only play I wrote in 2015 was created four months after my termination: “Welcome To The Fall,” a one-act that performed in a garden in the East Village in August. ↩︎
- Note: A synopsis of the fictional story in “Welcome To The Fall”:
It’s 1973 and Vona Tagish is recovering from being struck by a meteor. As the only woman in the history of the world to survive such a thing, in order to avoid all the media attention she has become a recluse in what’s left of her home and garden.
Chet Cooper is a smoke jumper recovering from a fall that broke all his bones. He accidently lands in Vona’s garden during a skydive practice gone wrong. Their fateful meeting has great impact on both of them.
Weaved into Vona and Chet’s story is the present day. Vona’s garden and home has become a historical site. Tour guide Glinda leads the audience around the space, giving astronomy demonstrations and sharing the history of Vona’s life.
Glinda is not giving the best tour. She is testy and keeps having emotional outbursts. ↩︎ - Note: Halfway through the play in the middle of her historical tour, Glinda gets “insanely overwhelmed” and leaves stage. She returns halfway through the play and says the following to the audience:
GLINDA
I’m sorry ladies and gentleman. I thought I could do this but I can’t.
I was laid off this morning.
Turns out, this place is going in a different direction. A direction that doesn’t require tour guides to be qualified.
But my boss wanted me to lead this tour because Larry didn’t come to work on time.
And I said yes because
So I was terminated-
And then asked to still work. Like that even makes sense.
So, let me tell you about The Fall.
It became a national park in 1989 and it was decided that, since this place tells the story of a woman who was hit by a cosmic rock, that it should be preserved as Vona left it. The Fall is currently managed by Dashiell Sharp, a prehistoric, entitled schmuck.
Every day he comes in and expects to be praised for the minutiae of his morning, as if leaving his home makes him the most accomplished man in history. He got this job because his mother is on some board and his greatest skill is that his family knows people.
My boss is an expensive piece of trash.
You know he tells all the women in the office we need to smile more because apparently our worth is in our canines. He spends hours talking about the correct placement of The Fall’s logo on souvenir mugs but ask him to follow a meeting agenda? That’s beyond his skill set.
I was hired to make these tours better. I’m a current history graduate student and this was the perfect side job. I’ve been busy working on my thesis-by the way never tell the weak man you’re working for that you have the intelligence to work on a thesis. His brain will start to eat itself.
My thesis is focused on historical narratives of unwilling figures. It’s about private people who become famous due to misfortune and how we miss the opportunity to really understand their stories because we sensationalize them. My job has been to create tours that show Vona as the fascinating survivor she was, not as the reclusive, strange woman of 8th Street.
I worked so hard at this. But you know what Dashiell wants? He wants you to tweet and hashtag about your visit and Instagram a filtered selfie. He wants people to know that you were here and he doesn’t care if you understand it. That’s his measure of success.
This is the location of mankind’s only meteor strike survivor who went on to make everything you see before she disappeared. But management doesn’t care about complexities. So take out your phones and enjoy your visit. Our mugs in the gift shop probably have lead in them anyway.
(GLINDA exits.) ↩︎ - Note: After her previous speech and exit, Glinda returns with a box of her belongings. She says the following:
GLINDA
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-you didn’t-I actually really hope you file a complaint about this tour. Send it to dsharp@thefall.org. I don’t have a single complaint in my personnel file, which honestly makes this whole situation kind of illegal but I would love to have a collection as a result of my lay off. Maybe he’ll send me copies and I can read them while I drink myself into a cliché tonight.
After this speech, Glinda decides she will finish her last tour. She leads the audience on a demonstration that involves toy parachutes ↩︎ - Note: After concluding her last tour, Glinda says the following before her final exit:
GLINDA
And that concludes my last tour. That part with the toys is usually somewhere in the middle and I’m usually less sentimental. I also created a great meteorite activity but I don’t work here anymore. Please file a complaint as you leave. And tell Dashiell I wish him a future full of ill. I know that makes me a horrible person and I’m okay with that. ↩︎
A playwright for over ten years, Angela Santillo has an MFA in Theater from Sarah Lawrence College. Her plays have been produced in New York City, San Francisco, Chicago, and Asheville. She is also the producer and host of the And Then Suddenly podcast. She currently lives in New York City with her crazy cats Brando and Cookie Monster.
Photo Credit: Jack B on Unsplash
L'Esprit Literary Review 